Emilie Autumn at The Carling Academy

On Sunday night boo took me out to see Emilie Autumn play at The Carling Academy in Angel, in return for taking her out to see Zan Lyons on the previous Friday.

Now, prior to this gig I’d had no experience of Emilie Autumn and with my current state of Internet connection limbo I didn’t fancy downloading anything or using her MySpace to have a preview of what to expect. I’m too lazy to write this up into a full, coherent review, so here are the notes we took while propping up the bar:

TEA BAGS
4 o’clock x lots, half past dead (isn’t that a Stevan Segal movie?) LIAR LIAR LIAR – such inspired, profound lyrics
I’d like it a lot more sans theatrics and vocals – some nice breakcore-ish stuff in the background for the intro. Hang on, she only has 4 different loops.
First gig I’ve been to where I’ve noticed high-pitched teenage squealing. Is her audience entirely prepubescent or just female?
When is a concert not a concert? WHEN NOBODY PLAYS ANY INSTRUMENTS
Bad mixing with overpowering vocals. Microphone feedback. At least one backing singer/performer/drama school reject can’t control her singing, certainly doesn’t know her range or voices. Or what key the song is in.
5 girls looking lost on stage a la Satanic Sluts – but with better looking outfits
Is Emilie signed to Cleopatra Records? She should be.
At least the girl can fiddle, even if the music sounds like a cross between Razed in Black and Evancescence, fronted by Anastacia and with a hint of baroque for good measure. Stop screeching, woman.
Cardboard moon and stars on bits of string. She certainly knows her target audience and seems to have recycled props from their nativity play last year.
Crowd full of dead people – NOBODY is moving
Emilie really really really loves harpsichord preset #4 and so will you after an hour of it
Why choose just one theme for the stage show when you can have a girl for every occasion? Pirate, ballerina, doll, ugly screeching harridan etc.
“We’ve been taking a test to see how long it takes for a crumpet to smell” Hope this is an in-joke and not some lolrandom behaviour.
Backing singers not the only ones on stage miming
Brief interlude for Emilie’s costume change – 3 girls play parachute games like 6 year olds and thrash about on stage. I imagine the 14 year old boys in the audience find the faux-lesbianism arousing. DAT tapes galore as an invisible orchestra plays EPIC MUSIC. Oh look, more tea.
Basic fetish stage performance shit, minus any blood. If you’re going to do faux-cabaret please book some talent next time. Circus Space is a good place to start. Only one performer looks like she has dance training and unfortunately for her, she can’t do her corset up properly.
Stage show needs a lot more rehearsal. Or at least people with a sense of rhythm. Fuck it, just have everyone in fewer clothes, it’d distract from the lack of professionalism.
LOVE PLUS BLOOD EQUALS MURDER. Kids, stay in school and don’t listen to Emilie – her maths is a bit wacky and these lyrics are dire.
Scripted mistakes a la every touring comedy show ever
Boo shouted GET YER TITS OOT. Emilie didn’t oblige but had a fiddle fretwank. I love violin solos, especially ones that rip off the main theme from Dune.
People at the bar – are they goths who love this shit or just the audience’s parents?
Wannabe-Dresden Dolls pseudo-cabaret made acceptable for 14 year olds (and their parents)

After an hour and a half of pretentious drama student theatrics ticking all the spooky kid boxes (Angst! Asylums! Alice in Wonderland! Stripy tights! Style Over Substance!) we were treated to 5 minutes of genuinely awesome violin work. We were both starting to bore of the show by this time and couldn’t get drunk due to prohibitively high bar prices, so skipped off to the nearby Lloyds’ bar for refreshments. The children’s parade filed out about half an hour later filled with excitement and caffeine – I’d hate to have been their parents trying to put them to bed that night.

To be honest, the show wasn’t as bad as I painted it in the notes above, it’s just fun being snarky. Hell, I used to be a massive spooky kid as a teenager and so can’t really blame the kids for getting so excited about this type of thing. However, as I said, I’d had no prior experience of her music or performance and just felt jaded about the whole thing; aside from the technical skill with the violin, I found the whole gig lacking. Boo and I were more entertained by a dsquared and Rolf Gehlhaar generative art installation we found in the N1 Centre. Lesson learned? One PIR sensor, colour changing lights and a selection of sounds is more fun than Emilie Autumn.